BPOV
A huge sigh of relief leaves my lungs as I shift my car into park. Seeing my old childhood home, with its white paint and green trim, nestled into the jade of the forest, makes me smile a little. The sight alone floods my mind with so many memories–some good, others bad. But it’s the good ones that have brought me here. It’s the good ones that I am seeking comfort in.
It’s a brisk, overcast day here in Forks, Washington. Nothing unusual about that, but it’s something I’m no longer used to, living on the East Coast for the last four years. Everything here is so green, cold and wet. At least for the moment, it’s not raining. While technically it’s home, it doesn’t feel like it as much anymore. Home is where he is. Or, that’s what I used to think anyway.
Things between us haven’t been the same for months. If I’m completely honest with myself, it’s been longer than that, but for at least the past seven months it’s been close to unbearable. It’s as if I don’t exist in that damn house anymore, especially since he took on the Hunter case. Don’t misunderstand me, I know he’s good at his job, and from what I understand, the bastard needs to be locked away for life. But is it worth the cost? Is it worth our relationship? Is it worth giving up everything else that we could have in life? I know the work that he does is important, and I don’t fault him for wanting to be good at his job, but he’s become a hermit. It’s beyond the point of ridiculous.
There was a time when I truly believed I was the center of his world. Maybe that’s a selfish thing to still want, but when everything I’ve done is for him, and with him in mind, it’s painful when it’s not reciprocated. It’s a very empty feeling to plan a romantic evening, put on some sexy lingerie, light some candles; only to have him come home late, barely giving me a second glance as he heads straight to his study. I mean, shit, if I stood at the front door naked I doubt he’d notice. The man used to be insatiable, but lately the only time we even have a sex life is when I initiate it, and even that has been few and far between.
I can’t even count the number of times I tried to approach him about it, too. He told me he’d change, but God I heard that line one too many times. Fuck that! Going to bed alone and crying myself to sleep is not what I had in mind when I left Washington to be with him. There really is only so many times a person can hear, “I’m sorry” and “I’ll do better” before the words lose their meaning. What I wouldn’t give for things to be different.
Did he mean it this time? Maybe it would be different? Fuck that. Nothing’s going to change.
I had called Alice as I boarded the ferry in Kingston this morning. To say she was pissed would be an understatement. She was fuming, and if it weren’t for the fact that she is in Paris, I’m sure I would have seen smoke coming from her ears. I only hope I didn’t screw up by slipping and telling her where I am.
Shit!
What if he finds out? Will he come here? Can I handle seeing him? I miss him…that voicemail he left me. God, I wanted to go to him. It took every ounce of self-preservation and pride not to call him back.
I shake my head to refocus. I have to do this. I have more important things to focus on now than just my feelings and love for him. But God help me, I do love him. No. NO! I am stronger than this. I gave him enough chances; it’s time for me to take care of me.
Stay strong.
With another sigh, my head held high and a deep pang in my chest, I reach for the handle and step out of my silver Volvo C30. The dampness of the air is like its own separate entity here; it’s almost like you can reach out and grab it. I take comfort in its weight. I walk around to the back, pop the hatchback and remove my duffle bag. Shutting it, I take a look around at the tall fir trees that surround my old home. They’re so dense and dark, even in the middle of the day, that it makes me shiver.
As I am walking up the drive, I see the curtains in the living room window sway, and before I make it to the first step of the porch, the front door rapidly swings open.
“Daddy?” It comes out as a question and a sigh of relief at the same time as I see my father. I choke up and immediately begin to sob.
Well, so much for staying strong.
“Bella? Oh, my–” He’s at my side before I even register it, and wraps me up in his loving embrace. He smells like cinnamon and aftershave and daddy. It calms me marginally.
We say nothing as he guides me up the front steps and into the house. Standing in the foyer, he wordlessly takes my bag from my shoulder and helps me remove my coat, setting them both on the bottom step of the stairs. I glance around and take note that almost nothing has changed. I feel him wrap one arm around my shoulders as he guides me into the living room and sets me down on the couch while quietly settling next to me. I smile softly and finally meet his eyes. They are full of concern, love and definitely confusion.
Of course he’s confused, Bella. You didn’t even call him, just showed up on his doorstep.
He takes a deep breath and releases it through his nose. With a firm grip on my hand, he smiles softly at me.
“Wanna talk about it?” It’s firm, but hesitant.
I don’t trust my voice yet and simply shake my head, dropping my gaze to my lap and twisting my fingers together.
“How ‘bout something to drink?” Still hesitant.
I nod and avoid his eyes. He moves to the kitchen, and I can hear the tinkling of ice cubes in a glass, and the tap water running. I sigh and drop my head back on the couch, closing my eyes.
I can do this. I have to do this. Nothing will change, and now there’s a…
“Bells?” Charlie says softly, breaking my chain of thought. He offers me the ice water.
“Thanks,” I softy reply, taking a sip.
“Bella, it’s not that I am not extremely happy to see you, because I am, but…” he pauses and lets out a puff of air “…just tell me, did he hurt you?”
I choke on the water at that thought. Define hurt dad.
I shake my head. “No, not like you think, anyway. He’d never lay a hand on me.”
This pacifies him for the moment as he sits down next to me and takes my hand again. Holding the glass to my mouth, I begin to zone out as I stare at the coffee table in front of me. I can feel his gaze, and I know he must have a million questions running through his mind.
“You know, when I met your mother,” he starts softly, “she was larger than life; a free spirit, if you will. I used to get such a kick out of the quirky things that she would say and do. Never a dull moment with Renee.” He chuckles. “She used to talk about all the places she wanted to go, and all of the things she wanted to see. She had such a spark for life, and it was always ever-present in her eyes. I didn’t think I could be any happier with life, than the day she said she’d marry me.” He let out a deep sigh and rubbed the back of his neck with one hand, still holding onto my hand in his other.
Why do men always do that when they’re nervous?
“When we found out we were having you, it was almost as if that light in her eyes went out. Now, your mother loves you, you know that, but she just wasn’t meant to be tied down to this small town. We made a go of it, and for a while I thought we’d be okay. It wasn’t until you were about two years old, when I really got a sense that things were bad. That was also around the same time I took over as Chief of Police.”
He sighs and leans his head back against the couch. “It started out with her frustrations that we never took vacations or went anywhere aside from Port Angeles. Then it moved on to me working too much, until…well, the day she left with you was a real eye opener. It was an early Wednesday morning and I had just come home from pulling a double shift, ‘cause we had a few guys out on vacation…” he snorts “…ironic, huh? I remember being exhausted and couldn’t wait to hit the sack. When I came through the front door and all but tripped over her suitcase, well…” he pauses squeezing his eyes closed. I tighten my grip on his hand. He lifts his head and smiles sadly at me. “Looking back on it now, I’m sure all of the signs were there, but at the time I didn’t see them, or maybe I was just too blind to see them. Had I known then, what I know now..?” He lets those words hang in the air.
Unable to control my emotions a moment longer, tears spill from my eyes and drip down my chin. “You talked to mom, didn’t you? She told you.”
He nods slowly. “He doesn’t know I’m here. I didn’t tell him where I was going.”
He moves to cup my face in his hands and stares deep into my eyes. “My point, baby girl, is that we all make mistakes. Sometimes those mistakes come with a huge cost, and sometimes we’re lucky enough to get the chance to fix them. Just don’t go doing something you might never be able to take back.”
You have got to be fucking joking.
“Wait. You’re taking his side?” I ask, pulling away from him, setting my glass down firmly on the coffee table. I’m beyond pissed.
“No. I will always been Team Bella. I just…I can also understand what he may be going through at the moment.”
“Seriously, Charlie? I can’t even believe this!” I huff, standing abruptly. I clench my fists at my sides and square my shoulders.
He moves to the edge of the couch, leans on his forearms and clasps his hands between his legs. “Bella–”
“What about what I’m going through? Have you given that any thought? How I might be feeling?” I ask, crossing my arms across my chest, trying desperately to keep myself from collapsing.
You’re my dad; you’re supposed to be pissed at him! No matter what!
Selfish much, Bella?
“Is there something you need to tell me, Bella?” he asks in that authoritative, fatherly “I’m going to ground you to your room” tone of voice.
Shit.
I gasp softly, my shoulders fall and my hands drop. “I guess I should’ve known she’d tell you everything,” I say timidly, playing with the hem of my shirt.
“Well, we both know how your mother is. But that’s beside the point. I’ve heard it from her, but I want to hear it all from you. Now, why don’t you sit back down and tell dear ol’ dad why you’re really here.”
Seeing this side of Charlie is…dumbfounding. He’s always been a “real-quick-and-to-the-point” kind of guy. Never hovers; never says much. Never been one to get into some deep, emotional conversation. In fact, I can’t remember a time that he ever seemed comfortable having long, drawn out discussions.
“Who are you, and what have you done with my dad?” I tease, gently sitting next to him.
He blushes slightly. “Look, kiddo, I just know how it was for me when your mom left and took you with her. I know things were hard on her for a while, too, and I don’t want those same things for my little girl. Period. So, if there is something that I can do to help, or make it easier…I’ll do it.”
Whoa. Seriously…body snatchers? Twilight Zone? This is nuts!
“So, tell me. Help me understand exactly why you just spent more than two days in a car, left behind, and I quote, “the love of your life” and showed up at my front door.”
I take a deep breath and blow it out. “God, where do I even begin?” I groan and throw my head back against the couch, pressing the heels of my hands to my eyes.
He lays a hand on my shoulder, and I fall against his chest sobbing, fisting his flannel shirt in my hand. No words are said. He just holds me while I fall apart, lost in my painful memories.
***
It’s been almost three weeks since he’s even touched me. Sure a kiss hello, a kiss goodbye, but that’s it. Nothing. Nada. I’m beginning to wonder if I even turn him on anymore. Is there something about me he’s just not attracted to anymore? I roll flat onto my back and stretch out across the bed. I can hear the shower running, so I know he’s getting ready to leave. A smile plays across my lips, as I think about surprising him in there.
Just as I am about to open the door, I hear the water cut off. Well, nothing says a little counter-sex is out of the question. I push the door open as he’s stepping out of the shower, a towel wrapped low around his waist. Yum.
“Shit! Bella! You scared me.” He jumped back in shock.
“Sorry, babe. I was thinking I could join you. Maybe help you wash your back.” I laughed quietly as I walked towards him and rubbed my hands up his chest.
“Mmm, that would’ve been nice,” he said sweetly, leaning down and pressing his lips to mine. Then, he patted me on the ass and abruptly steped away.
“But, I have an early morning meeting about the Carson case, so I need to get going.” He rushed into his closet and out of sight.
Well, okay then. I turned to my sink and took care of my morning business. After I rinsed my mouth, I turned and leaned back on my counter, my hands behind my back. “Do you at least have time to eat breakfast?”
He stepped out of his closet, buttoning his shirt. “Umm…yea, sure. But just something quick, I have to be there in an hour.”
I nodded and headed downstairs. I filled the coffee pot, turned it on and set the sugar up next to his mug. I grabbed a few of the croissants I bought yesterday at the bakery, placed them under the broiler and started it up. He likes butter and strawberry jelly on them–eww–but whatever. I smirked, took them out of the fridge and placed them on the counter.
He rushed in, grabbed his mug and filled it with coffee. He quickly added the sugar then tossed the spoon hastily into the sink.
“Babe, slow down. You have time,” I said softly. I placed my hand on his back as he took a sip while looking out the kitchen window.
He glanced at the clock on the stove and then back to me. “Walk me out?”
“You’re not going to eat?” I asked, taking a step back from him and looked over at the clock too.
“Really can’t. I’ll just grab something at the office. I’m sure Mike will bring donuts or something.”
I sighed and turned from him. I hit the stop button on the stove and left the kitchen.
“Bella?”
“Just go to work, Edward. That’s where you really want to be anyway,” I called bitterly over my shoulder as I turn to walk back up the stairs.
He rushed forward and grabbed my wrist. I just shook my head at him. “I don’t know when this happened, or how we got here, Edward. I just…what’s happening to us?” I asked softly as I felt the tears prick my eyes and backed away from him.
“I know I’ve been working a lot lately, and I’m sorry. It’ll be over soon.”
I just shook my head at him and looked away.
“This case is important—“ he started.
“Don’t treat me like I’m a child! I know your work is important! But don’t you see? Look at us! Do you know you haven’t so much as even hugged me–HUGGED me, Edward–in almost three weeks? Let alone even made love to me. Do I really repulse you that much?” I couldn’t help sobbing.
“God, Bella.“
I wrapped my arms around my waist, as the tears rained down my face. He moved forward and embraced me. It felt so good to be in his arms again, but I didn’t return the hug.
“You do not repulse me. You’re the most beautiful woman in the world. I’m so, so sorry. Just hold on for a little bit longer, and it will all be over,” he said softly into my hair.
I just shrugged. He kissed me firmly on the lips, then on my forehead.
“I love you. You know that? I love you. I’ll make it better, okay? I promise,” he assured as he bent down to look me right in the eyes. One more kiss to my forehead then he grabbed his briefcase and walked out the door.
I sat down hard on the stairs holding my face in my hands as I sobbed uncontrollably.
I guess I’ll have to try and not be disappointed when he breaks his promise. Again.
***
“That was a year ago last month, and it only got worse from there. Before the Carson case had even ended, he was talking about the Hunter case. He’s been working on that case since October. I tried, God, I tried so hard to just be there for him. Listen when he needed me to listen, stayed out of his way when he seemed to need space. I tried so many times to get him to relax, even if it was just for a few hours. At first, it worked. He’d come to the beach with me on a Saturday morning, or breakfast at the café on a Sunday, even once or twice we drove up to see Rose and Emmett. But even all that eventually stopped, and I just stopped pushing.” A tissue appears in front of my face, and I turn and smile sadly at Charlie.
“Thanks.” I wipe my face, and then drop my hands to my lap, tearing on the edges. “I know you don’t want to hear about me trying to seduce my boyfriend…” I laugh as Charlie clears his throat “…but I can’t even begin to count the times that I did try, only to either be pushed away or it went completely unnoticed.”
Charlie clears his throat again. “Apparently not every time,” he says somewhat nervously.
“No, not every time, but I am pretty sure I know exactly when it happened, seeing as though I can recall every time in the last three months,” I say bitterly.
“So, what happens now, Bells?”
“I don’t know, dad. I don’t know how to live like this anymore. I can’t live on broken promises, especially not now. Things used to be so different. I just wish I knew what I did wrong,” I groan.
“Oh, baby girl,” he says with a sigh, pulling me into his arms again, “you didn’t do anything wrong.” He places a kiss to the top of my head.
“Life just happens. You don’t always know the outcome, or the why’s or how’s.”
I pull back and look at him in confusion. “What does that even mean?”
“Well, I know that you both love each other, that’s a given. I may not be very happy with him right now, because he has hurt you, but I don’t doubt that he loves you. Edward has always taken care of you and treated you right. He’s a good man–I’ll deny it if you ever tell him I said so.” We both snicker at his attempt to lighten the mood.
“Unfortunately, or fortunately maybe, I think he’s a lot like me. A man see’s his job as a way to provide, you know, that whole hunt and gather gene that us males have?” He squeezes me gently as I roll my eyes at him. “But where he and I are the same, is that we let our work lead our lives, instead of us leading our lives. Do you get what I am saying here?”
I nod. “Yeah, I think so. Mom put it into words well, she said there has to be a balance. I’ve never tried to deny him the love he has for his job. If anything, I have always been very supportive. But, how many times am I supposed to tell him I need him, and he’ll promise me, and then break it? I mean, it wasn’t just once or twice ya know? And now…I’m…” I choke on my words.
Hurt. Pissed. Confused. Pissed.
A lump the size of a golf ball forms in my throat as I stare into his deep brown eyes.
“So, Grandpa Charlie, huh?” He winks, his mustache covered lip twisting into a small grin. My emotions have run the gauntlet, but at those four words I burst into tears yet again.
“Oh, dad!” I cry out, falling against his chest as he pulls me tight. “I wish I could put into words all the feelings I have about this. But the single largest question I keep asking myself–if he’s not here for me, just me, how will he ever be there for a…baby?” It comes out in almost a whisper.
He doesn’t speak, simply holds me close as I continue to cry. After I have calmed slightly, I focus on the soothing rise and fall of his chest as he breathes.
“You can’t make that decision for him, sweetheart. You have to let him make his own mind up about everything.”
“I had to leave, dad. I needed to get away. Clear my head and figure all of this out,” I state, somewhat firmly. “I just got to the point that every time I looked at him, instead of feeling love, I felt anger. I don’t want to hate him, but being around him was just too much for me to handle when I found out. I guess you already said it: he’s too blind.”
I feel him nod against my head. “You know you can’t keep this from him. He deserves to know.”
“I plan on telling him. Like I said, I just need some time. Distance. Clarity.”
“Understandable.”
“Will I sound pathetic if I say I feel lost without him?”
“Bells, speaking from experience, I am willing to bet that he is one hundred percent lost without you.”
