Chapter 14 :: Run Interference

BPOV

So, in reality…forgiveness is easier said than done. Do I love Edward? Yes. Am I positive he loves me completely? I am now, yes. But, do I trust him not to break my heart again? Therein lies the question that I still cannot answer honestly.

This past weekend was nothing short of a fairytale. He really pulled out all the stops, and Holy Mother of God, our connection was as perfect as it always was. However, there is still that nagging thought in the back of my mind, and it just won’t fucking go away.

Can I completely trust him with my heart?

On the surface, everything is perfect when we’re together; but as the days pass, and I am alone with my thoughts, the uncertainty and doubts set in. I want, so badly, to move forward with our lives, but that apprehension is making it almost near impossible for it to become reality.

There is a small, but equally persistent, part of my brain that keeps forcing those doubtful thoughts and feelings in and suggesting that possibly he doesn’t love me quite as much as he thought he did. I mean, if he did, wouldn’t he have been more aware of the situation at home? Wouldn’t he have been more aware of my pain? And because he wasn’t…how do I trust him to be aware and prevent it from happening again?

Shit. This is hard!

It’s Wednesday, and Alice and I have made plans to spend the day together in Seattle. She’s nothing short of ecstatic about the baby, and I have a sick feeling it will be a long day full of shopping. Not that I mind shopping for the baby at all, but Alice’s idea of shopping is sure to equal an eight-hour day of tortuous hell.

Hell. No.

I step into my room from the bathroom, where I left her, to attend to my morning routine. She arrived way too early for my blood, so I am taking my sweet-ass time getting ready. I’m sure it’s driving her insane, but too bad. I pretty much told her to sit down, shut up, and not speak until given permission. Yeah, thanks to my crazy, fucked-up, out-of-whack hormones, I can go from sweet to bitch in less than two point five seconds.

As usual, she’s dressed to the nines in her dark wash jeans, a red ruffled blouse, and a tan biker jacket with matching chunky heels. With a sigh, I move to the closet and pull out the only pair of jeans that still fit and a long-sleeved, purple scoop-neck tee. I stand in front of the mirror that resides in the corner of my room, gently running my hand across my abdomen. I still haven’t fully processed the fact that I am going to be a mother, but the thought of the life that is growing inside of me spreads warmth all the way down to my toes. I’m fully prepared to see some sort of outward sign of this pregnancy, but so far, I only feel massively bloated. I grab a pair of socks and my low top Chucks…knowing Alice will throw a fit at my shoe attire…she’ll live. If I’m spending the day walking around Seattle, I’m going to be comfortable.

Taking a deep breath, I pull a brush through my shower-dampened hair, before pulling it up in a messy bun at the back of my head. I catch a glimpse of Alice in the mirror. She is perched precariously at the edge of my childhood bed with a hopeful and excited look in her eyes.

Alice Whitlock is typically a gentler, yet more enthusiastic person than most. She hands out opinions just as frequently as Rose; I’d venture to say that Alice is far more dangerous though. She likes…no scratch that…she loves to interfere. She has a mindset to “fix” people; only her ideas of other’s self-improvement are made according to her own personal viewpoint. Unfortunately, there are times when her plotting and meddling can be so completely overbearing that I hesitate to confide in her. There are other times, however, when a girl just wants a friend’s ear. She’s nothing but perfect when it comes to listening to me vent. It’s the “sticking her nose where it doesn’t always belong” that I could really do without. It’s a fine line to walk.

Clutched delicately between her hands is a small package wrapped in white paper and tied with a soft green bow. I have taken massive steps to avoid acknowledging it. Gifts in general make me nervous, but gifts from Alice tend to be extravagant. The woman has entirely too much money, and while she doesn’t flaunt it, she definitely tends to spend it…shall I say…frivolously.

“Okay, Alice, you may speak now?” I say as I turn from the mirror to face her.

“Oh, thank God! I am so excited about our day today, Bella. We’re going to have so much fun. I wanted to take you to this little boutique that sells all kinds of adorable baby things and maternity things…and then I was thinking that we could probably go and pick out some stuff for the nursery. Have you thought about what colors you want? Or what about the furniture? I think the bedroom right across the hall from–”

Fuck my life.

“ALICE! Stop!” I scream at her. Christ, did she even take a breath?

“Sorry, Bella. I’ve just missed you so much, and I am so excited that you and Edward are having a baby, and…” She stops and snaps her mouth shut as I plant my hands on my hips and fire a glare at her.

“One, I missed you, too, and I’m really glad you’re here; even if it isn’t for the best of reasons. But I am, because I could really use my friend right now. Two, calm the hell down or I am kicking your bouncy ass out and going back to bed. Deal?”

She nods as a blush creeps across her face. She closes her eyes and dramatically takes in and releases a deep breath.

When she opens them and finds mine, I ask, “Better?”

She nods again. “Yes, sorry. I just really feel like it’s been forever since I’ve seen you, and I guess I got a little carried away about everything.”

Understatement of the century.

I chuckle at her and shake my head. “Let’s get this show on the road, Ali.”

“Okay, but first, I brought you something.”

“You don’t say,” I tease her as she hands me the package. I shake my head at her again as I flip it over and over in my hands. It weighs more than I would have expected from its size alone.

She huffs. “Just open it, Bella. I know how you are, but when I saw it, I just couldn’t help myself.”

I quirk an eyebrow at her. “Really?” I ask sarcastically.

“Okay, fine. I can never help myself when it comes to buying things. Whatever. Just open it, please.”

Inside the white wrapping lays a blue box with “Tiffany & Co.” embossed in silver. I gasp and my eyes pop wide open as I look at her beaming face.

Holy hell! Tiffany’s?!

“Shit, Alice. I can’t accept this,” I partially whine.

“Yes you can. Just open it,” she firmly retorts.

I sigh and carefully remove the lid. Nestled beneath the white tissue paper is a five inch silver frame. It’s obviously sterling silver, seeing as it is from Tiffany’s. Adorning the top left corner is a small bow that looks embossed in the silver. It’s stunning, but dammit, way too expensive. I just know it.

“Ali…”

“I thought you could use it for the ultrasound picture. You know…baby’s first photo and all,” she states softly, but proudly.

Annnnd, cue the tears.

I begin nodding my head, softly running my fingers over the tiny bow. As I look into her eyes, I notice them shimmering with unshed tears as well.

“It’s very beautiful. Thank you,” I whisper.

She waves her hand dismissively. “Think nothing of it. Only the very best for my little niece or nephew.”

I laugh out loud at that comment. “Alice, I’m fairly certain that your little niece or nephew could give two shits about gifts from Tiffany’s.” I pause in attempt to compose my emotions, and look back down at the frame. “But really, it’s beautiful. The photo will look perfect in it.”

She claps her hands together, then leaps up off the bed and hugs me close. When we break from it, we’re both crying like overly emotional messes. I’m momentarily grateful that no one else is here to see this incredible display of female hormones.

“Seriously, let’s get this show on the road. Now.”

She giggles and loops her arm through mine as we leave my room and descend the stairs.

--

The lengthy drive to Seattle is the perfect opportunity to have the much-needed discussion. I’m desperate for another outsider’s perspective, aside from Rose. She’s been great, but my head is still swarming with doubts, and it’s killing me. I don’t want to have them, but they won’t go away.

“Ali, I really need your help with something,” I begin, glancing at her slightly before turning back to watch the road as we leave the city limits of Forks.

“Of course, Bella! Anything!” she responds, and I can tell from my peripheral view, she’s already vibrating with excitement.

“Stay calm. It’s not what you’re thinking.”

“I’m not thinking anything.” I turn to look at her again with an incredulous look. She huffs. “Just spit it out.”

“Well, you know how things went this weekend, right?”

“Yes, of course. You and Edward…ew…anyway, yes. You made up.”

“Mostly, yes.”

“Mostly?” she questions.

“Well, he really went out of his way to prove to me how much he loves me. I get it, I really, really do, but…I’m still having issues with trusting him.” My eyes begin to prick with tears, and I blink hastily in an attempt to hold them in.

“Trusting him how, Bella?”

I exhale shakily. “Trusting him to not hurt me again. Trusting him to not go right back to the way he was if, and or when, we go back to Wilmington. How do I even do that? How do I just willingly put myself in that situation again, and trust that he’s not going to completely break me? Because, I swear to you…now…with this baby…it will absolutely destroy me.”

I shake my head and take a deep breath. I should have let Alice drive, because once again, my tears are blurring my vision.

“Oh, sweetie,” she coos, grabbing my right hand from the steering wheel and clutching it between hers.

“Trust is such a fragile thing.” I nod as she continues. “Do you feel like this is something you just need more time with? Or do you think there is something more he could do?”

“God, I feel so selfish when you say it like that,” I respond with a wet scoff. “I don’t really know though.”

We’re both silent for a beat.

“Can you tell me how you felt the other night, when he gave you the book?” she asks softly.

“In a word? Loved. I mean, Alice, do you have any idea...it was just…” I can’t even put into words the depth of feelings that simple book evokes in me.

“When you say it made you feel loved…do you trust that feeling?”

“Yes.”

“So, you trust in his love for you. That’s a good start, don’t you think?”

“Sure,” I answered hesitantly. She’s quiet for a few minutes.

She sighs and gives my hand a gentle squeeze. “Bella, promise me you won’t get mad?”

Uh. No. That’s always a loaded question.

I shake my head while pressing my lips tightly together. “Bella, just…I’m not trying to upset you…I just want you to answer me honestly. Okay?”

I glance over at her, and then quickly back to the road. “Fine.”

She takes a few deep breaths, and I begin to internally panic. It’s obviously a question that is weighing heavily on her, and the fact that she’s hesitant to ask scares me.

“Do you…is there…” She pauses and groans in frustration. “Do you think it’s possible that…maybe…you don’t want to work through this?”

I gasp. Loudly.

“Shit, Bella! I’m sorry. Really. I’m just trying to help. Trying to help you figure it all out. Like you asked.”

Neither of us say anything for a while. I gently pull my hand from hers and place it back on the wheel. I know she only has mine, and Edward’s, best interests at heart, but damn.

“Alice. There is nothing that I want more than to be with Edward…and our baby. The way that I feel about him…do I really need to spell it out? How do you feel about Jasper?”

“He’s my soul mate,” she states matter-of-factly.

“Exactly.”

She nods in understanding.

“He’s my Edward,” I state with a shrug. Like that simple statement alone, should just make what I am trying to say obvious.

“Unfortunately, he hurt me. Bad. I have all these stupid doubts that keep swimming around in my head when I’m not around him. I know he loves me, but…” I let out a heavy sigh, and my grip on the steering wheel tightens.

“Do me a favor, Bella?” I nod.

“Stop with the ‘buts’. Honestly, it just makes you sound like you’re constantly trying to come up with an excuse to not completely forgive him.” Her tone is slightly annoyed, causing me to turn and look at her again.

She shrugs. “I’m just saying.”

Well, fuck me. Is that what I am doing? Continuously making up excuses? Why?

“Then tell me, Alice. How do I move past this? I want to. I really, really want to. But…” I pause and shoot her a sheepish grin. “I’m scared.”

“Forgiveness is a start. I think you have to dig way down deep in your heart, and ask yourself if being with Edward is what you really want. Because if it is, then you can move past the hurt and learn to trust in him again.

“I know my brother’s not perfect, and he still has a lot to prove to you. But I also know how much he loves you, and how terrified he was when you left. I’ve never heard him like that before…ever.” She sighs. “Ultimately, the decision is up to you. As much as it would break my heart if you decided that you can’t move past this, I would understand, and I will be here for you regardless of what you decide.”

I’ve never felt for anyone, the way that I feel for him. The thought of living without him makes my heart clench painfully. It devastated me to leave in the first place, but I had to get the distance. He hurt me.

Dammit, Bella. Stop fighting it.

As if on cue, my cell phone pings with a text message. Alice retrieves it from my purse, and asks if I want her to check it. I nod, and she smiles widely, before holding it up to show me the screen.

I love you baby. Hope you have a good time in Seattle. – E

I smile to myself and feel a rush of emotions pass through me. My thoughts immediately turn back to the weekend, and I replay all his words, touches, love…I need to stop overthinking, and just let it be. I need to find a way to make my head agree with my heart. He loves me, and he’s trying so hard.

My head falls back against the headrest. “God, I’m such a bitch.”

Alice giggles. “No, you’re not, Bella. I can see your mind going a million miles an hour over there. It’s what you do best, ya know? Overthink things? Just give him a chance. You and I both know he’s trying really hard to make this up to you.”

“Yeah, which is why I’m such a bitch. He deserves so much better than what I am giving him in return. It never made sense for him to love me.”

“Seriously? You do realize the idiocy of that statement, don’t you?”

“It’s true, Alice. Any smart woman would fall into his arms with all of the things he’s done so far.”

“Sweetheart, you are the very best thing that has ever happened to my brother. He should be groveling, like he is, for your forgiveness, but you also can’t make it too hard on him, Bella. You have to meet him halfway somewhere. I can’t say that he’ll hold out forever waiting.”

Shit. Traitorous tears.

We’re both lost in our own thoughts the remainder of the drive. Or maybe, it’s me lost in my thoughts and Alice giving me the space. She flips through the radio stations and lands in the middle of a song playing. The lyrics just about send me over the edge.

Don’t run away…

And it’s hard to love again,

When the only way it’s been,

When the only love you know,

Just walked away…

If it’s something that you want,

Darling you don’t have to run,

You don’t have to go…

Just stay with me, baby stay with me,

The tears just continue. I need to get over this “poor me” bullshit. Badly.

When the time comes, baby don’t run, just kiss me slowly.

xxx

The day has, thankfully, taken a very pleasant turn. We didn’t talk much more about the conversation in the car. I think Alice is honestly giving me the space to work it out. We have had a blast eating, shopping, and just overall spending quality time together. It definitely hasn’t been as bad as I thought it might have been.

After a mouth-watering snack at Three Girls Bakery in Pike’s Place Market, we made our way over to the boutique that Alice was dying to see. It was a quaint little maternity and baby store, with probably more than anything you would possibly need or want for your pregnancy and baby. As we browsed around, I couldn’t help but get excited at the thought of when I finally began to show, and wearing some of these adorable outfits.

Somehow, I managed to let Alice talk me into trying on a few different things. With my arms loaded, I set up in the dressing room, ready to start the fashion show. I busted out laughing when I saw the “pillow belly” they provide for you to strap on and get an idea how the clothes should look. I guess it’s not a bad idea…but really? Some genius made a fortune on that thing!

I ended up purchasing a few cute tops, pants, jeans and a few dresses. As we left that store and walked around the University District, Alice was lost in deep texting mode with someone on her phone. Figuring we weren’t going to have an in-depth conversation any time soon, I pulled out my phone to call Edward. Unfortunately, it went straight to voicemail, so I hung up, not really having anything of importance to say.

Suddenly, Alice started squealing and bouncing on the balls of her feet as she stared at her phone.

“What the hell, Alice?”

“Sorry, sorry! But, oh my God! Eeeee!”

Shit.

“Alice! Calm the hell down! What are you going on about?” I asked as I stepped closer and tried to ignore the dirty looks of passersby.

“I’m just so excited! I can’t believe–” She stops and looks at another text on her phone.

She rolls her eyes, huffs, and stomps her feet like a petulant child, then mumbles under her breath, “Then why the hell did you tell me in the first place?”

Um…okay?

“Alice? Everything okay?”

“Huh? Yeah…just…gah!” She huffs again. “Um. Did I show you what I bought my idiot brother at the last place?”

Well, if that wasn’t a diversion…

“No, let’s see,” I offer, hoping to change her sudden sour mood.

She digs around in one of her many shopping bags, and pulls out a stuffed donkey. A sly smile breaks across both of our faces, before we erupt in laughter.

“Get it? It’s a jack-ass!” she says though her giggles. “Fitting, wouldn’t you say?”

It is hilarious, while maybe not completely necessary, still hilarious never the less. I cover my smile with my fingers, and nod.

“Oh! I want to make one final stop before we head back. Sound good?” she asks.

The final store is a high-end fashion boutique, where she adamantly insists that I need to buy a new dress. After tossing a few different ones at me to try on, she decides that the navy blue one I have on is “the one”.

For what, exactly?

“Alice, first of all, what the hell do I need a dress like this for right now? And second, you do realize it’s not going to fit me much longer, if ever again. And, seriously…I can’t afford all of this!” Not only is the dress over a grand, but she’s also paired it with black four-inch booties and a black leather handbag.

“Just trust me, okay, Bella?”

Did I forget to mention…it’s all Gucci. Of course. Before I can even protest, she whips out her employee black card, hands it to the sales woman, and fucking buys all of it.

“Alice! What are you doing? I can’t–you’re not–please. I don’t need any of this.” 

“Hush, Bella. It’s already done.”

Holy Christ! This is all easily over five grand!

My jaw is likely on the floor, and my eyes are bugging out of my head.

This is ridiculous!

I compose myself, and narrow my eyes at her. Why do I suddenly get the feeling she’s up to no good? This is Alice, after all.

Always interfering.