Not two seconds after the words leave his mouth, the phone rings from the kitchen. Every fiber of my being tenses. Charlie senses it, hugs me close and then rises to answer it. I pull my knees up, hugging them close to my chest and bury my face between them. He’s given me a lot to think about, but my brain is on overload trying to process it all.
I can just make out the muffled sound of Charlie’s voice carrying in from the kitchen. I turn my head and rest my cheek on my knee.
“Yep…few hours….pretty torn up…not such a good idea…where?...hmm…should tell her…how long?”
I make no effort to try and decipher whom he’s talking to, even if it’s obvious that I am the subject. I release my knees and move from the couch. I’m drained, and all I want to do now is sleep. Sleep, sleep, and sleep some more. As I make it into the entryway, I lean down to retrieve my coat and bag from the stairs. Charlie’s back is to me as he leans against the doorway of the kitchen.
I become paralyzed when he says, “Edward, now’s not really the best time for you to just be showing up unannounced. Maybe give her some time to settle down and I can talk to her about calling you.”
My mouth drops open. Edward. Edward is calling here? How does he…? Alice! Dammit! I’m gonna strangle that little pixie!
I gasp, causing him to spin and see me standing at the bottom of the stairs. “Damn” he mutters, “Uh, look, I’m gonna have to let you go. Yeah, ok…yeah, I’ll tell her.”
He hangs up the phone, shoves his hands into his pockets and looks at me sheepishly. I can’t speak, and I can barely see as my vision blurs with tears. I suddenly feel very angry. I shake my head at him as he steps toward me and hold my hand up.
“NO! I just…just give me…I need to go lie down,” I say hastily grabbing my bag and rushing upstairs to my old bedroom. It’s dark out now, and I don’t even bother with the lights. Nothing has changed about my room since I left it years ago, so I blindly walk to my bed, drop my stuff on the end and fall face first burying my head into the pillows.
He cannot come here. I am not ready to see him yet. I need more time. I don’t know how to tell him about the baby. What if he doesn’t want it? What if he thinks I did it on purpose? What if he hates me for it? Wait. Hates me? Please. He’s lucky I don’t hate him. He deserves every little bit of suffering he’s going through right now. It’s about time he understood how I felt for once. Holy fuck! He cannot come here!
I flop over onto my back with a groan and throw my arm over my face. I haven’t given much thought to what I am going to say to him at this point. My only goal over the last few days has been to get as far away from the situation as possible. You really can’t get much farther away from the east coast than Forks. Some may say I’m running away rather than facing reality, but I disagree.
My reality came as a fucking plus sign on a pee stick. So many things flashed before my eyes while I waited, scared shitless for the result. We’re not married. We’ve talked about it in the past, but nothing in the last year has even hinted that he still wants it at this point. I think there’s a possibility that this pregnancy would be so much different if we were. But we’re not, and everyone knows a baby isn’t a reason to stay in a relationship.
Relationship. Yeah, our “relationship” is strained, and that’s putting it mildly. Can you even call passing in the hallway and sharing a bed a relationship? With sex being an ‘every once in a while’ encounter that I have to initiate? Feels more like roommates to me. I miss the passion. The desire. I miss everything about what we used to have. Everything. I fucking miss him! Not who he’s become, that man I can live without.
So, let’s go back to the baby. Any which way I look at it, I’m on my own. If I stayed there with the way things have been going, I’m on my own. If I never go back, I’m on my own. Not much difference. Yes, I do know that he loves me, but it hasn’t been enough for him to change his work habits this far. How would adding a baby to the scenario be any different? I just can’t see how it will.
Everything he said in that voicemail I’ve heard before. As much as it pained me to hear him finally cry about it, it doesn’t change the fact that it’s all the same lines he’s said over and over and over again.
“Please baby, please. I’ll fix this.” Come ON! I left for fuck’s sake! You’d think he could come up with more than the same old shit! Does he really think hearing them again is going to make me come flying back into his arms? Hell no!
Childish? Ok, maybe. Selfish? Yea, I’ll give you that too. I deserve to be at this point. Balance. Renee said there has to be balance. We definitely don’t have it. I guess she would know better than anyone. She lived it, suffocating in a small town with a child, barely ever seeing her husband. Growing up without my dad wasn’t easy, but Renee did the best she could, and I spent plenty of summers here with him until I moved permanently in high school. Not that I want this child to have a broken home, but I can’t bring myself to believe that the alternative of living in a home with a non-existent father can be better. It’s almost more painful.
Fuck! I don’t know. There is no easy way through, over or around this. It’s fucked up. Plain and simple.
I sit up and take a deep, cleansing breath as I reach into the pocket of my coat to pull out my phone.
“Hey woman. You make it to your dad’s ok?” Rose asks.
“Yea, I’m here.” I sigh and lay back down on the bed. “I thought I would be feeling better about this by now, but I’m still as confused as ever.”
Everything keeps going round and round in my head, with no real solution in sight.
“Talk to me. Let me help you work through it.”
This is why I love this woman so much. She’s fierce and gentle all at the same time. There isn’t anything she wouldn’t do for me, or I for her. She always looks at things objectively, from every angle and will never push her thoughts or feelings on me. If I had a sister, I’d want her to be Rose.
“Well, Charlie gave me some perspective tonight…” She listens intently as I explain to her the conversation and his theories of Edward’s side.
“He made some very valid points. The problem is however, just because that may be how Edward has viewed things, doesn’t mean he’s going to change.” She pauses. “Tell me something, if he came to you right now, swearing that he’s seen the light and he really will change, would you go back?”
“See, that’s what I can’t answer. Sure, he can say all of those things, and he can make all of those promises, but really, how’s it any different from every other time? Just because I finally got tired of hearing and left makes him mean it?”
“Because you’re pregnant Bells,” she states matter-of-factly.
I groan. “So! So that’s the only thing good enough for him to change? I’m not, but a baby is? How’s that even fair?”
“It’s not. But let’s say for arguments sake that he’s not blind to losing you anymore. That he’s realized he’s pushed you away, and tells you that he’s come to his senses. All of this without knowing about the baby, would that make a difference to you?”
She doesn’t wait for an answer. I don’t have one anyway.
“You’re both faced with an equally terrifying reality. Obviously I have talked to him, but I am not going to plead his case. That’s his job. I know where you stand, and I get a sense of where he now stands. He knows he fucked up, how he chooses to fix that fuck up, and should you choose to forgive him, is up to you guys.” She pauses again. “The reality of the situation is there’s now a baby in the picture. That changes so many things on so many levels.”
“I don’t think it should,” I say flatly. “I know that it does, but I just don’t think it should. He should want to fix things because he loves me and wants to be with me. Not because now there’s a baby and he feels obligated to.”
“And you’re exactly right. So, like I said when you were here, should you choose to forgive him and work this out with him, he needs to understand that it’s about the two of you first. You don’t have to listen to me, but I personally would wait and see what he has to say about everything before you tell him you’re pregnant. Only then will you know the true level of his commitment.”
She makes a very good point. I need to know he wants us because of what we’ve had, not because of what we’ve made. Seriously, how did this become my life?
I groan again. “God, this is so fucked up.”
She sighs. “Yeah. It is. I wish there was something more I could do for you. I really do.”
“Where’s that magic wand when you need it?” I deadpan.
“No shit, right?” She chuckles.
“He knows I’m here, Rose.” I sigh and close my eyes. Exhaustion is beginning to set in.
“Shit! How’d he find out? Renee?”
“No, Alice,” I say flatly.
“Dammit. That little shit! Bella, you know better than to tell her anything you don’t want the rest of the world to know,” she scolds me.
“It wasn’t intentional. It slipped,” I defend.
She huffs. “You want me to drive down there and see if I can stop him from coming? Or at the very least, buy you a little more time?” Her tone is firm.
“Maybe.” I chuckle. “He called here. Charlie talked to him, but I don’t know what was said.” I try to muffle a yawn, but she catches it.
“You need to get some sleep babe; we’ll deal with it tomorrow,” she says softly. “Maybe I can get Em to drive down there with me or something.”
“Yeah, ok.”
After we hang up, I grab my pajamas and toiletries from my bag and head to the bathroom. I turn on the shower and take a look at myself in the mirror. I’m proud of myself for finally putting me first, but I fucking hate how much it hurts to do so. I step into the warm spray, and let my tired body relax. After more than two days in the car, only stopping for gas, food and quick catnaps, my body hurts. Then add in all the emotional bullshit and I just want to forget about everything for a while. Much easier said than done.
How will I feel if he shows up here, begging for me to take him back? Obviously, the gesture is more than he’s done in the past, but is it enough? I can’t just fall willingly into his arms and forgive him, only to go back to the exact same way things were. Something has to give. I don’t trust him.
Shit.
There is it. I have completely lost all trust in him. I don’t trust him to keep his promises. I don’t trust him to make a change. How can I trust him to be the man and father that he needs to be? Fuck my life.
I step out of the shower, dry off and get dressed. I step into the hallway to find Charlie leaning on the wall outside my bedroom door. He looks me in the eye, and I can see the pain that this is causing him too.
“I just wanted to make sure you’re doing all right,” he says softly.
The look I give him is incredulous as I walk past him into my room. Really, Charlie? Do I look all right?
“Ok, bad choice of words.” He smirks as he turns to lean on the doorframe, stuffing his hands into the pockets of his jeans.
“Ya think?” Shit. I’m not mad at him, but I can’t help the venom in the tone of my voice. I drop my dirty clothes onto the floor by my bed; pull the covers back and sit down, pulling my hair into a ponytail.
“For what it’s worth, he said to tell you he loves you and he’s going to fight for you.”
I can’t help the snort that leaves me. Charlie’s face falls, and I can tell my attitude is hurting him. “I’m sorry, dad. I don’t mean to take it out on you. I’m just tired of talking about it and thinking about it. I just want to go to sleep and forget about everything for a while.”
I turn my gaze out the window beside my bed. I can see the drizzle of rain in the glow of the street lamp.
He nods and then softly speaks again, “I should probably also warn you…” my head snaps back to him, my eyes wide. No, don’t say it. God, please don’t say it. “…that he’s on his way here.” Fuck!
I fall back against the headboard and cover my face with my hands. Dammit!
“Umm, he was in laid over in Atlanta when he called.” He’s trying to prepare me, but shit I don’t want Edward to be here.
I nod my head then pull my hands away from my face and just stare at Charlie. I don’t even know what to say right now, and there’s nothing he can say to make it better either.
“Well, I’ll let you get some sleep,” he says as he pushes away from the doorframe. He walks to me, kisses the top of my head then turns and leaves the room. I slide down the bed and huddle under the covers, pulling them up to my chin. The clock on my bedside table reads almost eight, so I figure he’s either still in Atlanta or in the air on his way into Seattle. That’s a good three-hour flight, then depending on if he goes through Olympia or Bremerton from Seattle, its at least another four hours. So, at best I have seven hours, give or take. I sigh and close my eyes.
As much as I want to sleep, I also have it in mind to head to La Push and hide out at Jake and Leah’s. He’d never find me there, and I would still have time to sort this all out in my head. As well as in my heart.
My mind wanders back to the same scene it’s been playing over and over for the last few days. It’s like an old grainy black and white television that flashes the heartbreaking image of pain and shock on his face just before I turned away and left. The sound, God the sound of his strangled, screaming sob as I raced away from the door, fighting my own breakdown and into the pouring rain. As bad as it hurt, I had to leave.
A bright flash outside the window followed by a loud crack of thunder jerks me straight up. My hearts hammering in my chest, my breathing labored as I look out the window into the darkness. At almost the same time, there’s an incessant pounding at the front door. I turn my head to look at the clock, and it’s already five in the morning. Not even realizing I fell asleep, I rub my face in my hands. The pounding starts again, and I go rigid. Shit. That’s probably Edward.
I hesitate until another crack of thunder spurs me into motion. I throw the covers back sliding out of bed. I guess it’s now or never.
The cold of the hardwood floor sends shivers across my skin, and I hug my arms close as I walk out of my room to the top of the stairs. The sound of the rain on the roof drowns out the erratic sound of my heart, but the pounding at the door continues. Slowly, I move down the steps and toward the front of the door. The house is pitch black. Aside from the faint glow of the street lamp and the occasional lightning bolt, there is nothing but blackness outside as well.
I take a deep shuttering breath and pull the front door open. Nothing. No one. What the fuck? The rain has apparently stopped, but I can still smell it hanging in the air. No other cars aside from Charlie’s and mine are in the driveway or on the street. Confused, I step out onto the front porch and look around. Still nothing seems out of the ordinary. I swear someone was beating on the door. Right?
I turn back towards the front door, only it’s gone. It’s replaced by the front door of our home in Wrightsville Beach. I’m fucking losing my mind. I close my eyes and shake my head trying to clear my crazy thoughts. That’s when I hear the strangled screams. My eyes flash open and I am suddenly standing in our living room. Edward is hunched over, hands in his hair grabbing at the roots. Blood–oh my God, there’s so much blood. It’s everywhere. I cover my mouth to muffle a scream and his eyes flash to mine. Only, they’re not the emerald green they’ve always been. They’re a freaky golden color. There’s blood on his hands and pooled around his knees.
“What did you do Bella?” he growls at me. “What the FUCK did you do?”
I shake my head, my eyes widen in fear as tears begin to stream down my face. Oh my God, what is happening?
“Say something! Why did you do this? Is this my punishment?” he screams at me. “SPEAK God dammit! Say something! How could you do this?”
I shake in fear and confusion. I feel a warm sensation on my legs and look down. Blood. More blood everywhere. It’s running down my legs, pooling at my feet. The bitter, coppery smell makes my head spin. I look back to Edward as he rises to his feet and moves to stand mere inches from my face.
“I can’t believe you did this. You make me fucking SICK!” he spats at me.
I squeeze my eyes shut. Trembling. He grabs tightly onto my shoulders and begins to shake me.
“Bella! Bella, please!” he says, the hate still evident in his voice.
“No! God NO!” I scream.
“BELLA! WAKE UP!” My eyes flash open and are met with a fearful Charlie hovering over me.
“Jesus Bells, you scared me half to death.” He sighs. “It was just a dream baby. You’re ok.”
My breathing is heavy and my heart is damn near ready to jump ship. What in the hell was THAT?
I press my hands to my face and roll to my side. My stomach lurches and I force Charlie out of my way, scrambling into the bathroom, just barely making it in time to purge my stomach. When the heaving stops, I feel Charlie press a cool towel to the back of my neck. I rest my head on my arm at the edge of the toilet.
“I don’t know what that was,” I whisper.
“It was just a nightmare baby, it wasn’t real,” he says softly while rubbing soothing circles on my back. “Now come, let’s get you back to bed.”
He helps me stand, and I rinse my mouth. As I look in the mirror, I have dark circles under my eyes, my skin in paler that normal and my hair looks like it lost a catfight.
Jesus.
Just as soon as I am tucked back into bed, there is a pounding at the door. My eyes go wide and my blood runs cold.
Oh shit.
