I’m not exactly sure why those two words cause such an adverse reaction from me, but they do and before I can prevent it, the damage is done. My entire being seizes then almost instantaneously I begin to quiver uncontrollably. I can hear nothing but the sound of my blood pulsing in my veins. Subconsciously I consider that I’ve always known the truth, but with the reality of losing Bella at the forefront of my mind I had filed that detail away.
“Edward, stop! You’re hurting me,” Bella cries out. “Edward!”
I scramble away from her and follow the movement of her hands as she rubs them up and down her biceps. Faint red whelps in the shape of my fingers are forming and I gasp.
Holy shit! What the fuck did I just do to her?
“Shit!” I hiss and jump to my feet. “I–I’m sorry.” I fist my hair, my eyes wide.
“I suppose I knew you’d react like this,” she says almost inaudibly, fidgeting her hands in her lap.
“No. I’m sorry. I–I don’t know why–God, I’m so sorry,” I beg her forgiveness as I collapse next to her on the couch. I reach for her hand, clasping it between both of mine. I knead them together gently while attempting to collect my thoughts. Her free hand delicately traces back and forth over my bandage.
It’s apparent to me that anything I say or do in the next few moments could potentially screw everything up even worse, and I need to make certain she understands my feelings. I’m aware of her gaze burning into the side of my face.
“Bella,” I start, not looking at her. “Are you sure?”
Stupid! Of course she’s sure, she wouldn’t be telling me just for kicks.
“Wait. Don’t answer that. How long have you known?”
Dumbass.
“Um, well I took a test about a week ago. I haven’t been to the doctor yet, but…” she trails off and I decide it’s time to look at her.
“Bella…” I take a deep breath and look into her eyes “…why wouldn’t you just tell me? Don’t you think–?”
“I wanted to tell you. I did. I was just so scared of how you would react, and look…” she waves her free hand towards me “…I was right to be. Things between us haven’t exactly been peachy, and I kinda freaked out when the test said positive. I had planned to tell you the other night when I came to get you from the study, but I panicked. It overwhelmed me, so I left.” She blows out a shaky breath. “I’m not–I wasn’t trying to keep it from you. I understand leaving may have not been the best decision, but I just needed—”
“What do you want now?” I interrupt scared to death of her answer.
She holds my gaze for a moment and then turns her head away as tears fall from her eyes again. I reach out and delicately grasp her chin, turning her head, which forces her to look at me.
“What do you want, Bella?”
She shakes her head and closes her eyes, tears still rolling down her cheeks. “Edward, I…” she sniffles.
“I mean it. Before you even told me this, I meant it.” I pause, and as she opens her eyes, I try to gauge her understanding. “I want to marry you. I want you to be my wife. Do you trust me?”
Her eyes soften, still full of unshed tears. “I need some time, Edward. I…I just–” She chokes back a sob and places her hand on my cheek. “I love you so much, but…you say all the right things, but how can I be sure? I just need to be sure. I’ve lost my trust in you.”
Shit.
I drop my hand back to my lap and look away, shaking my head. “A baby doesn’t change anything. I want forever with you, Bella. You just have to let me prove it to you.”
How do I make her understand that?
I feel her shift her position and she rests her forehead on my shoulder.
“I love you,” I reiterate softly. My fucking heart hurts; I feel hopeless.
She nods and sighs. “Please just give me some time.”
I reluctantly nod my head. “What about the baby?”
She pulls back and I turn to look at her. “Regardless of what happens between us, I will have this baby, our baby,” she states firmly, placing her hands on her abdomen.
My eyes follow their movement and I reach a shaky hand out to join them. She moves hers, allowing me to place a hand directly onto her stomach and then covers mine with hers. That “chest splitting wide-open” feeling is back as I suddenly fear that it’s really over. I close my eyes.
“Please know that I want this. I want you. I want this baby. I want our life, and I want to give you the world.”
Her hands are no longer on mine, however as I open my eyes, she’s moving them towards my face. She cups my jaw and this time, it’s her wiping the tears from my cheeks. I hold her lingering stare, silently begging with my eyes. Gradually, she closes the distance, softly pressing her lips to mine. It takes me only a moment to respond and I slide my hand from her stomach to her waist, gripping it gently. Everything about the way her lips are pressed to mine shakes me. It feels final, like a kiss goodbye. I fucking hate it.
xxx
It’s a quarter after seven in the morning as I pull my car into my parent’s driveway. My dad’s car is gone, so I figure he’s already left for the hospital. Carlisle took over as the Chief Surgeon when they moved to Forks. Since it’s such a small town, it actually allows him plenty of time to have a life outside of the hospital. My mother, Esme, started her own interior decorating company that keeps her fairly busy. She keeps her clientele exclusive, so as not to be overwhelmed with projects and can also enjoy the fruits of a small town. Her clients stretch as far north as Canada, and as far south as Oregon. She’s in her element, that’s for sure.
As quietly as possible, I step in through the side door of the house into the kitchen. It’s silent inside. I can hear the wind rippling through the trees outside as I pad softly through the kitchen. Just as I pass through the doorway leading into the living room, something to my left catches my attention.
Holy shit!
“Mom! Mom, it’s me! It’s Edward!” I scream as I scramble back through the doorway, falling on my ass, as my tiny little mother flies at me swinging a baseball bat. I cover my head with my arms, hoping to dodge a blow. Luckily, she stops and doesn’t knock me out.
“Oh my God! Edward! I’m so sorry! You scared me half to death, I thought—what are you doing here?” she rambles as we both catch our breath. She’s clutching her hand over her chest as she turns and leans the bat against the wall.
I run my hands through my hair and lean back against the kitchen island. “Jesus, mom.” I chuckle, trying to calm my racing heart.
“Well, honey, you shouldn’t sneak up on your momma like that. I thought you were some crazy psycho trying to break in.” She squats down in front of me and pats my cheek. Her brow furrows. “What’s wrong with my baby boy? You look exhausted. Talk to me, sweetie.”
“I messed up, mom,” I murmur. “Bella left me.” My voice is weak, my throat scratchy.
“Hmm,” she hums before standing up. She walks to the coffee pot and turns it on. Rising as well, I take a seat on a stool behind the island. I lean forward on my arms and run my hands through my hair again. Her silence is making me nervous. She turns and sets a mug of coffee in front of me before sitting down beside me.
“Stop pulling on your hair like that, you’ll go bald,” she scolds pressing a firm hand to my arm. Instead, I wrap my hands around the warm mug and bring it to my face inhaling the delectable scent. I am exhausted, but I need my mom. I need her advice on this shit storm I’ve created.
“So, why don’t you start from the beginning?”
So, I do. I tell her all the sordid details leading up to Bella leaving. I tell her Bella’s side of things, as well as my weak attempt at proposing just a few hours ago. She gives me the “mom” look, and shakes her head. Deep down, I know it’s because that was a pitiful way to ask. The only thing I don’t tell her at this point is that she’s pregnant. I’ll get to that. I think I’m really worried that she’ll go for the baseball bat again.
Maybe I deserve it.
She takes a sip from her mug before she says, “Tell me something, dear. What do you expect from her?”
I’m sure the look on my face is one of confusion. “I–I don’t know. I want her to forgive me and let me right all my wrongs.”
“And you thought that a tearful, desperate proposal would do it?” she cocks her head to the side and mock glares at me.
Yeah, never going to live that down.
“No, of course not. I guess I thought by finally asking her…she’d see how serious I am about her. About us,” I respond like a sullen child.
She huffs. “Edward, I raised you better than this. For goodness sake, you lived the very life that she’s afraid of! You have to know that being a doctor’s wife wasn’t easy for me, right?”
I nod.
“The difference is, your father made it a point to never let work come before you kids or me, no matter how busy he was.” She looks down and shakes her head. “I never would have expected this from you. I know you love what you do, but I just can’t believe that you let it lead your life like this, son.”
Fuck. I hate the disappointment in her tone.
“I don’t know how it happened. It was like, one minute I’m this nobody lawyer, struggling to gain clientele, and the next–“
“You were a hot-shot lawyer, sitting on top of the fucking world?”
My eyes widen and I choke back a cough.
She said fuck. Mom never cusses. Yep, dead meat.
“Um, yeah, I guess? I just had this overwhelming need to help those families. With each new case I grew more determined. Then when I’d win…I just…I can’t even describe the feeling really. It was like I was doing a small part in ridding the world of one more evil person. I was living in this constant high.”
“That’s commendable son, it really is, and I am proud of you. There is absolutely nothing wrong with loving your job and loving what you do, nothing at all. I believe you get that kind of passion from your father.” She pauses. “Can I ask you something else though?”
I nod again.
“This ‘high’ you say you felt at winning those cases…how does that compare to the love you feel for Bella?”
Ouch. Score one for mom.
“There is no comparison, mom. I would walk away from all of it right now, just to keep her.”
Tears well in her eyes as she smiles at me. She rests her hand on top of my arm and squeezes gently.
“Yes, you’re just like your father,” she says gently. “If you truly want to have a life with Bella, or any life at all, of you have to be willing to walk away at the end of the day. You have to learn to rule your job, not let it rule you. You can’t save them all, son. You’re not a superhero. There has to be some balance.”
Oh shit.
“Did you talk to Renee?” I question as I narrow my eyes at her. Now I’m scared that she already knows what I am not telling her.
She shrugs. “She may have called.” She takes a sip from her coffee.
Oh shit.
“So…then…did you already know this was going on?”
Fuck. I feel like a little kid with my hand caught in the cookie jar.
“I wanted you to come to me. You know I’m not like Renee. I don’t interfere,” she states matter-of-factly.
I sigh. “Mom, I need your help. How do I win her back?”
She pats and then holds my cheek. “Oh, sweetie, as much as I would love nothing more than to help you, you’re on your own with this. You’re old enough to make your own decisions, and obviously your own mistakes. Right now Bella needs more than your promises and terrible proposals…” she glares, I drop my head in shame “…she needs reassurance.”
“I told her I gave over the case I was working on to Mike. It was even more time consuming than the last one I was working on,” I mumble, not sure if I am looking for vindication in telling her this, but I feel I need to.
“Well, that’s a good starting point, sweetheart. I’m fairly certain this is not going to be an easy situation for you both to overcome, but I do know how much that girl loves you, and a love like the two of you share only happens once in a lifetime.”
I lean forward and drop my head to the cool marble surface of the counter. “I love her so much it hurts. I’m such an idiot for ever letting her doubt that.”
She rubs her hand up and down my back soothingly. “Go upstairs and get some rest. We can talk about this more when you have a clearer head. There’s no sense is exhausting yourself.”
“Mother, are you absurd? Sleep? How can I sleep at a time like this? When my life is crumbling around me?”
“Listen to your mother. You need to get some rest, and when you do, I think you will have a little more confidence that things will work out.”
“You really believe that? That things will work out?” I ask with way too much hope filling my voice.
“Edward, I believe that nothing in life is coincidence. I know you well enough to know that you will do whatever it takes to restore her faith in you.”
I nod as a lump forms in my throat.
She leans in and whispers, “You have too much passion, son.” She winks, then moves to the sink and sets in her mug before leaving the kitchen.
Apparently misplaced passion.
xxx
I kick off my shoes and flop down on the bed in what had been deemed, my room. Emmett, Alice and I have never lived in this house, but my mother still insisted that we each have our own room. I replay the events of the morning over and over in my head. She asked for time and space. I just don’t know how much I can give her. I am scared to death that if I give her too much space, she’ll think I’m not serious. But I am. I meant every word I said to her. My world doesn’t exist without her.
I roll over and pull my cell phone from my pocket.
Just wanted to say I love you. – E
I’m not expecting a response, so as I am laying the phone on the nightstand, the chime startles me. My heart fucking soars as I read her response.
I love you too. – B
I miss you so much baby. I’m so sorry for everything. – E
Please just give me some time to believe you. – B
I sigh. I want to just wrap my arms around her and hold her. I want to make all of this, just go away.
I promise to try. I meant every word I said. – E
A few minutes pass and I assume that she’ll say no more.
I love you Bella. I love our baby. I love you with every part of me. I’ll never stop. – E
Apparently at some point in waiting for a response, I fell asleep. The shrill of my ringtone alerts me to this, as I jerk up in bed. Momentarily disoriented, I scan the room before realization sets in. My phone rings again and my heart rate picks up.
“Hello?” I answer, my voice heavy with sleep. I’m not sure if this is a dream or she’s really calling me.
“Did I wake you?” her angel voice asks softly.
“No, it’s fine.” I rub my eyes and glace at my watch. I’ve been asleep for almost five hours. Damn. “Are you ok? Is something wrong?”
“Yeah. No. I just...I was able to get an appointment to see a doctor today…I was…” I can almost picture her fidgeting as she lets out a breath. “They said they would do a sonogram to see how far along I am and to make sure, you know, everything’s okay. Do you…want to come with me?”
“Yes! What time? Where? I’ll pick you up!” I rush out.
Simmer down. You’re going to freak her out!
“No, you don’t have to–“
“I want to, Bella. I want to take you. Please let me?”
“Um…yeah…okay. It’s at three, so can you be here around two-thirty then?”
“Of course.” I pause; seriously hoping this isn’t a dream. “Thank you.”
“Okay, so I’ll see you then.”
“I love you, Bella,” I say softly. I need her to hear it.
“I love you, too. Bye.”
I can’t stop the massive smile that spreads across my face as she hangs up. I have just over an hour before I need to leave, so I jump up and rush to the shower.
I’m going to see my baby!
